I wish life was less of a whore

It's that feeling during that season.

That sinking feeling when everything is going well and the storm is mounting on the horizon.

When everything is finally going well.

And then there's that quite voice that says it's all going away.

FUCK

Yeah.

I fucking hate my life sometimes.

I need to vent this somewhere.

Especially before she calls.

But I just need to say that I hate how nothing ever seems to work well.

Or if it does then it has to end.

Fuck my life.

Epic conversation about my newly finished piece

Jeremiah Thomas Catling

New piece! First finished photograph of my next show, possible title being 'rib of lilith'

3 hours ago ·

Emanuel Esquivel

Where is the title derived from? Sounds familiar. This is great.

3 hours ago ·

Jori Johnson

love it!

3 hours ago ·

Jeremiah Thomas Catling

Title: alternate creation story, lilith as being the first woman, and rib being an Adam reference.

And yeah. Loving it all around!

2 hours ago ·

Emanuel Esquivel

that's what I though you were referencing =)

2 hours ago ·

Jeremiah Thomas Catling

Yup yup! I heard this crazy story, and I think it was a belief held by a very small group at one time, but that humanity is actually the decendents of Lilith and not eve which is why we are so broken. Crazy idea but I like it.

2 hours ago ·

Emanuel Esquivel

Ya, from what I have heard its a Jewish myth says lilith was the first woman created but she would not allow Adam to be over her (she would not submit to him) and it drove Adam crazy and she was cast out of Paradise, then Eve came along who would submit to Adam and that's how we all came to be. So we are from Adam and Eve, but Lilith came first and she was not a 'submissive' woman so she got the boot...its a good story to keep women under the system of patriarchy =)

2 hours ago ·

Jeremiah Thomas Catling

or its a story of female power and how it threatens jewish male power systems ;-p
Either way, the idea of broken creation systems is very fascinating to me. As well as why we place importance on our ancestry and who we descend from. Or what it means. Such as, if we don't actually descend from Eve then what does that mean? How would it change our view of the apocalypse and the 'return to the garden of eden' ideas.

2 hours ago ·

Emanuel Esquivel

yes, how female power threatens the Jewish way of things, of course.

I totally agree, my own fascination with this myth are those exact questions, that's why your title excited me =) I really enjoy engaging with questions of creation and apocalypse and how Christians view the creation poem in Genesis 1 and 2.

about an hour ago ·

Emanuel Esquivel

again, great piece!

about an hour ago ·

Jeremiah Thomas Catling

seriously! The origins of our species according to our faith is a very interesting topic, and beginnings are always tied to endings and endings are new beginnings so it creates an interesting thought processes, as Revelations speaks of the earth remade as new, I believe it implies as the Kingdom of Heaven but that could just be people's opinions I've heard, and exactly what that means.
Something I've always found interesting as well is that even without the knowledge of good and evil there still exists doubt, pain, and struggle: Adam feels lonely, incomplete. With Lilith we have power struggle and the implied (or more explicit... I've heard both) sexual tension of who gets to be 'on top'.
So much to dig into.
And then what does it mean for the world to end is something I've always been fascinated with, and I don't think it will be anything like contemporary christian views. And my largest question has always been, if the world collapses and everything is either dead or dying, will love still exist?

Dancing to White Noise

I listen to strange music.

I don't know that I've met anyone with my tastes as of yet. There's a lot of people I share music with but usually its only a genre or two overlap and then we lose all similarity.

I think I prefer things that drown me. Not just audibly (though I do love that so much) I think its more about a dive into humanity. I can't explain that very well right now.

I keep meaning to include music into my work. Or at least an audio element. Maybe I'll do a headphone piece in my next show. Then again, it's an the Heritage Gallery... the space has the generators in it and they fill the space with a static hum, of a white noise. Maybe the whole show will be that.

About images and sounds and objects that crawl under your skin and make you too aware of where you're standing. I find that strange. When we are too aware of our surroundings and then we find a new place where our surroundings can settle into the background. If a place exerts itself too strongly as separate or important to ourselves we dislike it. Unless it manages to fully overwhelm and envelop us. Like some places of worship.

I keep thinking about calling the show Apocalyptic Love Song. Or Of Malice and the Magnum Heart. Or Cave Paintings. Or The Fourth Movement (Out of Ash into the Desert). Who knows.

My stomach twists

and I'm feeling a strange state where my skin feels alien.

No.

Its not disease.

At least not a physical one my immune system can fight.

Strange.

I feel like a Bright Eyes song.

Or maybe certain Scarlet ones.

And definitely feeling Misery Signals.

Off to face myself.

In the mirror.

And trim my over grown facial (chin) hair.

This is Sartre's nausea.

It's amazing.

Everything has a specific feel.

And taste.

A smell.

A sound.

Every nerve is filled with ashes.

And my camera's batteries died.

The Triumph

Or lack thereof.

Today is going to be a good day. Or so I hope.

Car live!

I tie a large part of my identity to my vehicle. Its hard not to.

I'm a rusted meat cleaver, a '78 El Camino, a 40 year old pipe wrench, a stack of shipping pallets, a 2 week old cigarette, a book missing the last five page, a falling action with no plot. I'm tired. And I should not be chewing gum before sleep.

I like my shoes.

They're awe. some.

In my previous post I said sexual active when I meant sexually active. Yay for being tired.

I want food. Sleep first.

French toast is my equivalent to heaven. If God is inbreaking anywhere it is in french toast.

Sex

I've been thinking about this... 'issue' a lot recently and I call it an issue because of the context I normally exist in. AKA the conservative christians.

So this is mainly addressed to that crowd. Most people outside of it have a definition and philosophy and moral code for it that fits their patterns in some way, shape, or form and don't want someone to be telling them otherwise.

Me? I'm in transit. I'm in a place of picking.

Do I keep my 'innocent' and naive attitude, despite it being hypocritical, or do I cast off all I've been raised on and accept it as the new handshake? And of course there's a gray that I'll settle in/am settling in.

And there's always room to say "What the fuck Jeremiah. You're over thinking and it's not a thinking thing." Except I'm a thinking addict. I blame it on the fact that I like to have a grasp on my personal self. And I have been pretending to be something I'm not for far too long now on both ends of the spectrum.

Of course. The issue of sex always leads to identity. Damn you psychodynamic theory.

Back on subject?

Bah. I think it really has nothing to do with any sexual act.

I think the issue or fear or insecurity or over devotion or _______

It's all issues with self-esteem.

And I really don't think sex or being sexual active is any sort of sin nor do I think that being active itself is damaging to a person mentally, physically, or spiritually, and I think in general in the right mindset it is beneficially.

It's all the issue of mindset. If someone thinks being sexual active is bad and they are active then they are inflicting guilt upon themselves.

Now I'm bored with this.

I wish the pioneer wasn't dead with all of modernism.

I wish we had something new to strive towards instead of the constant grind of looking inwards. We are so ugly on the inside.

I must be fine, my heart is still beating

So I finally started a real blog.

Not a facebook note or a myspace post (which has been... a very long time)

I'll talk about what I like.

Primal things.

Mundane things.

The contemporary cave painting, the mystical and the transient and the ancient.

Music, art, love (lack thereof) and such. A protected space. I don't know that I want many to know about this. We'll see.

Its always nice to have corners of the internet where you can just talk about whatever you want.

And I'm listening to Bright Eyes who I have recently switched from hating to loving because of a certain Amy.

I'm listing to Haligh, Haligh, a lie, Haligh. And The Calendar Hung Itself.

I think the world is too full of harsh things for a mild romantic like me to hold onto my optimism anymore.

I want to take pictures of people by the train tracks. Where the world seems to have stopped and culture has moved past. The ruins of industrialization.

We focus on countries outside of ours because we can address their issues (or so we think) better then ours. We are moving forward, we are current, unlike other countries that are behind. By this I mean a philosophical movement driven by a consumeristic culture. How can we make something mundane important, powerful, and potent in a culture where no one even understand the fact that culture is a human construct.

The paintings in caves have sat and the old prophets have died and now the young have to find a way to keep them going.

We must pick up our rock and stick and paint again.